World Warping Hobos
by DaughterofDemeter123
Summary: The foreign symbols on the paper swam across the paper rapidly, each figure fitting into a well known design, a design I recognized. A leaf with a swirl. The hobo's voice seemed to echo around me. Ever thought of goin' to- no. This thing is discontinued.
1. Chapter 1

**Hi. I'm bored, and although it is an everyday occurrence, I simply will not abide it. Chances are, you (whoever the heck you're supposed to be) are suffering from boredom as well. That's why, out of the goodness of my heart, I will cure the both of us of this ailment by writing this fanfiction for our own sick amusement. **

**Disclaimer: I'm a middle-schooler. What makes you think I would own anything as famous as Naruto?**

* * *

"Mom! I'm home!" I shouted as I strolled through the front door, unceremoniously dumping my backpack on my dad's nearby easy chair. Ha.

"Miriam, can you bring me my purse? It's on the coffee table." My mother's voice came from the other room.

I scowled, but did as she asked. Mom was in the kitchen, doing bills as usual. I plopped her purse on the table and glanced at her.

"Don't call me Miriam."

"It's your name, dear." She said, not looking up.

"Doesn't mean I like it." I pouted slightly, then scowled again. "I told you to call me Mimi."

"That's a terrible nickname."

"Better than Miri or Ria. Especially better than Miriam."

She let out a long sigh. "Honey, I'm doing bills. Quiet down or leave the room."

I live in a quiet house, in a quiet neighborhood, in a quiet town. Life here is quiet, shockingly. I don't mind. I don't have any sort of thirst for adventure or anything like that. Darius, my brother, is another story entirely.

His room is covered in random posters from random TV shows and movies, and I swear he thinks they're all real. He dreams of going off on some quest and saving the world. His current favorite is an anime called Naruto, so he spouts out facts about it every time I see him.

Thanks to him, I'm forced to watch it too, or suffer his ten-year-old wrath. It's not that bad. Better than some other animes he could be watching.

Maybe I should tell you about myself. I'm thirteen. My name is Mimi, despite what mom and dad seem to think, and I usually refuse to respond to anything else.

I mean, _Miriam_?

I've got brown eyes and long brown hair that's hardly ever brushed. I'm skinny and small for my age, and I use that to my advantage while playing hide and seek. My hobbies include loiter-_admiring nature_ in the park, hanging out with my little brother, embarrassing said brother in public, and squealing over puppies at the pet store.

My likes are dogs, carrots, and people who don't refer to me as Miriam. My dislikes are the name Miriam, spice, mint, and bullies.

My dreams for the future are growing up so I can legally change my name, and getting a puppy.

After stomping to my room dramatically, I jumped on my bed and stared at the ceiling. I squirmed a bit. I looked at the clock. I leapt up and ran out of the room.

"I'm going to park BYE!" I shouted as I rushed out the back door, not waiting for an answer. Short attention span. You know how it goes down.

* * *

Ahh, the park. The scent of lingering cigarette smoke in the air, the multitude of trash under foot, the hobo that's usually seen asleep on the park bench. It's my favorite place to hang out, just to get away from life for a while, you know?

Leaning against the big sign that proudly stated NO LOITERING I contentedly whistled songs that do _not_ sound good when whistled. (AN/ That's actually fun to do. Cyber cookie if you try it.)

"Yer lookin' a bit bored, ain't ya?"

I preceded to jump, bang my head on the now cursed sign, and fall on my butt.

The hobo (who had just been talking to me) laughed loudly and helped me up with a grubby hand.

"I've seen ya come here before. Always lookin' right bored, you are." He grinned, showing his nearly toothless mouth.

I shrugged. "Yup."

"Life 'round here ain't that intrestin', no sirree."

"Not especially, no."

"Heh. I bet you never even had one adventure 'round this place, eh? Well, I can fix that. Ever thought of goin' to another world?"

I was ever so slightly creeped out now. Maybe I shouldn't have been talking to a hobo in the park... naw. What's the worst that could happen?

"No, but it'd most likely be amusing at least."

The creepy hobo laughed again. "Yep. I figured ya'd say that, kid." He reached into his pocket, and pulled out a... mechanical pencil? What? He also pulled out a piece of paper.

"This was given teh me by a strange man, said he lived in another world. He also gave me this!" He proudly presented an orange book. "Nice man, bit of a pervert, though."

"Um..."

"Ah! Right, then." He showed me the paper, which was written in another language. "This here's a contract with a certain god. Never found use for it myself; I'm givin' it to you."

He thrust the paper and pencil into my hands.

"Thanks...?" The hobo was gone. Creepy.

* * *

I sat at my small desk, staring at the 'contract' the crazy hobo gave me. It was obviously just a piece of paper- if looking, smelling, and feeling exactly like a piece of paper said anything.

A contract with a god? Please.

Rolling my eyes, I signed my name at the bottom of the paper. There was a flash of light, like a camera flash coming from my signature.

The foreign symbols on the paper began to move._ What?_

They swam across the paper rapidly, each figure fitting into a well known design, a design _I_ recognized. A leaf with a swirl. Light engulfed the room, and I was forced to look away. The hobo's voice seemed to echo around me.

_Ever thought of goin' to another world?_

_

* * *

_

**Moral of chapter: Don't talk to hobos. Review, yadda yadda, tell me what you think. Also, try finding a name for the hobo. I couldn't.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Yes. Hi. I'm sick today, so that's the only real reason I'm updating this fast. By the way, when Mimi signed the contract, she learned Japanese somehow. Now for the disclaimer~! **

**Harry: OMG! Ron! Hermione! How did we get here? *angstangstangstangst***

**Ron: IT WAS THE DEATHEATERS!**

**Hermione: Really Ronald, calm down.  
**

**Me: Actually, I brought you here to-**

**Ron: BLOODY HELL!**

**Hermione: You didn't even hear what happened yet, Ronald.**

**Harry: Why _are_ we here?**

**Me: To do the disclaimer, duh!**

**Golden Trio: Ohhhh! DaughterofDemeter123 doesn't own Naruto!**

**Me: Yay! On with the story~! ^_^**

**

* * *

**

When I came to, I found myself in a forest. So I rubbed my eyes and looked again. Then I shouted every curse word I could think of at the top of my lungs. After all, it's not every day I wake up to see a flipping FOREST instead of my bedroom.

I did a face palm. Hey... was my hand always that small? Slowly, I lowered my hand and looked down at myself.

My clothes had miraculously grown too big for me, and my hair was a lot shorter. _I _was a lot shorter. Every tree seemed like a redwood, every bug was the size of one of my toes. I was a little kid. I was a little kid. I WAS A SEVEN YEAR OLD!

After freaking out some, I sat on the dirt with my legs crossed.

"Okay." I flinched at my childish voice. "I'm in a strange forest with no way of knowing how I got there. I don't have any food or water, and I've somehow turned into a _seven-year-old_. I'll probably die if I don't find civilization. Well, shi-oh! I said shiz."

Little kids shouldn't swear, right?

So, I began to walk. Not like I had a choice. How did I get there anyways? All I did was sign the paper- no. It was a contract, that's what the hobo said. A contract with a certain god...

"Hey... am I speaking a different language? This is too weird." I noticed a familiar red mark floating in front of my forehead. "Huh? A tick mark! How is that even possible?"

Tick marks were only in anime, never real life. So, I was in an anime? No. Impossible. It was a dream- a bizarre dream. Still, I wanted to find civilization. Dying, even in a dream, didn't exactly seem pleasant.

With that as a motivation, I began to walk faster.

* * *

Two hours later

"My feet hurt. This sucks." I complained to myself. Sigh. Who knew walking through a forest was so lonely? I abandoned my shoes and continued on my way.

By now, I had accepted that I wasn't really dreaming. I _was_ in an anime, no matter how impossible it was. Stupid hobo...

I had no way of going back.

* * *

After even more time has passed

I could see a big gate up ahead. A town! Finally. I was in need of a shower, since I'd somehow managed to get so dirty and so scratched up it looked like I'd been running around in the woods for weeks instead of a day.

I was tired, hungry, and dirty. Not to mention I was somehow a little kid again. That's no fun.

Reaching the gate finally, I was stopped by two guards.

"Halt! State your business he- hey, you alright kid?"

I just looked up at the oddly dressed man and woman. What was with the metal plates on their foreheads? Wait... hitai-ates? Konoha hitai-ates? I was in _Naruto?_

"..."

"Ryu, she's beginning to creep me out."  
"Shh!"

"Can I go in?"

"Not without telling us why you're here."

Back story, back story, what do I use for a back story? AH! "I ran away from home."

"And?"

"And I don't wanna live in the woods anymore!" There's that tick mark again...

The two ninja talked in hushed voices for a while, before seemingly coming to a decision. Then they played rock-paper-scissors.

"Hachi here is going to take you to see the Hokage, and he will decide what to do with you." The man, Ryu, said cheerfully.

Hachi grumbled something about the evils of paper. She had pail, pupiless eyes. A Hyuuga. Or she was blind...

* * *

The current Hokage turned out to be the Yondaime, meaning I was absolutely in Naruto, but before Naruto himself was born. That's cool, I don't feel like dealing with that much angst.

Anyways, he asked me my name, age, and birthday (Mimi, 7, September 3rd) before asking if I wanted to join the ninja academy, which I flat out refused.

The academy meant training for years to try to become an assassin/thief/superhuman. It meant you could protect the village, yes, but it wasn't the right career choice for someone like me. I don't want any big adventures.

The Hokage arranged for me to be placed in the orphanage, which I agreed to reluctantly. I wasn't completely at terms with the fact that I would likely never see my family again.

Hachi escorted me to the orphanage, and disappeared before I could thank her. Huh. Ninjas.

The orphanage was a shabby old building in need of a new paint job, but it was livable. Barely.

Sighing dramatically, I entered the orphanage.

* * *

I got kicked out of the orphanage for teaching the other kids swear words... and calling the matron a hag. Party poopers. That matron is totally senile. I'm not saying that just because she tried to give me apple juice... don't judge me.

There were a lot of petty crimes all over the village, even with the Uchiha police force still going strong. It was like they deliberately ignored all of the non-flashy ones, trying to scrape up some two-bit glory.

That scared me a little.

Who knows what will happen to a thirteen year old girl trapped in a seven year old's body in a village that isn't supposed to exist? Sigh. My life is ridiculous.

* * *

The old lady who owns the hot springs took me in. I was half starved and undoubtably very dirty when she found me.

What can I say? I still hadn't had a shower since the whole forest thing.

She had me work there in exchange for food and shelter, which was a good deal. All I had to do was lead costumers to the changing rooms that were right in front of the baths and clean up after they left. I also get to help her chase away perverts with a broom. It's better than cable. Seriously.

I never actually bother calling her by her name, just Owner-san. She doesn't mind since it doesn't imply her age (which is OLD.)

She gave me a list of people I might find peeping in the women's baths, and what to do when I find them. For example, if I see Ryu (the guard at the gate) I have to throw a pail of boiling water on his head. Or just sic the kunoichi on him. That's an option for every pervert everywhere.

Life is peaceful enough, since all the crap with the Kyuubi hasn't happened yet. The real problem is that I know exactly what's coming, and I know I can't help stop it. I can't go home either.

I don't know what the contract did. Would I leave after a month? A year? Never? I miss my family. I want to go home, but I don't know how.

I wish I still had that contract, maybe I would know what was going on then.

* * *

**Yep. She's in an anime. With no way of getting back home. I have no doubt that her very presence will mess up the plot. Review.**


	3. Chapter 3

**Oh. My. Flying Spaghetti Monster. I HAD A SNOW DAY! Finally!**

**Mimi: Weren't you just out sick for three days? And you've had like five snow days in the last two weeks...**

**Me: Shut up! Snow days me smile~ X3**

**Mimi: Yes, I suppose. Hey, do you own Naruto, my all powerful creator?**

**Naruto: HECK NO SHE DOESN'T!**

**Me: Hey... YOU AREN'T IN THE STORY YET! Leave my presence! **

**Naruto *leaves***

**Mimi: That's enough of this. It's taking up my screen time. **

**Me: 'Kay! ON WITH THE STORY!**

**

* * *

**

"Welcome to Konoha bath house. Follow me please."

It was the same routine over and over. Greet costumers, clean baths, chase perverts, repeat.

Not that I minded much. It was a lazy, peaceful (for the most part) life, and it was enough for me.

The villagers apparently thought it was adorable for a child to work in a bath house, so business was good. Mostly. Every now and then, people from rival clans would get into arguments, which usually ended in me cleaning up all of the chipped wood, broken glass, and the owner's terrified cat, Suzu.

The old bat had me wear a bandanna on my head with an apron to match. Sigh.

It had been three months. Three months of cleaning, shopping for the old lady's groceries, and feeding a cat. Three months of living in a world that didn't exist.

I'm actually pretty happy here, though. Tranquil place, Konoha.

* * *

*Time skip, six years*

It took me six long, and frankly scary years, but I was finally back at my proper age. I was really uncomfortable with the fact that I'd have to endure puberty all alone, seeing as Owner-san died in the Kyuubi attack when my body was ten. Or was I really not thirteen anymore, but nineteen? Blah! Hobos shall be the death of us all.

I scowled as I stalked through the marketplace, a bag of groceries in one hand and my customary broom in the other.

I also noticed with an inward smirk that many of the male population were looking at it in fear. At least one good thing came out of this mess...

Turning at a corner, I saw a blur of black then I saw the glimmer of something very sharp at a familiar blond five year old's throat. My broom fell from my hand, it's clatter way too loud as it hit the ground. The whole market was suddenly silent, you could hear a pin drop.

"L-let me go and this boy will live!" The sweating man that held the kunai shouted at a small group of ninja, his hands shaking from exhaustion.

"That's low!" One shouted back. "Using a civilian to save your own hide? And a kid no less!"

"You make me sick." Snarled a furious kunoichi, suddenly going into a complicated series of hand seals.

"Wait, don't bother, Kurenai-san." Another shinobi smirked.  
"Are you insane? You _want _the traitor to kill an innocent child?"  
"It's just the demon brat. We should let him get rid of it before we take him in."

The man holding Naruto hostage suddenly fell to the ground, no longer breathing.

An ANBU with a dog mask appeared, checking the tiny boy for injuries. Apparently finding none, he ordered the other ninjas to leave before leaving himself.

Slowly, the life and movement returned to the marketplace. I picked up my broom, still half in shock.

"Geez." I muttered. "You can't even go shopping in this town without seeing some kid almost get killed."

I began walking home.

* * *

*Special No Jutsu!: The Problem with fangirls*

Today I met an Uchiha. In all my years of... um, being the greeter of a bathhouse, an Uchiha has never set foot in this place (they most likely have their own at their freakishly huge compound.)

He was ten, a jounin, and he was the future slayer of the entire Uchiha clan. Also known as Uchiha Itachi. Joy.

Naturally, I treated him like all male patrons.

"Hello," I bowed politely. "Welcome to the Konoha bath house. Please follow me, and if I catch you near the woman's bath I'll kill you with a post-it."

He blinked, his face totally without emotion. "A post-it?"

"It's a very slow death." I shrugged, beginning to walk toward the bath. "It'll have to do until I can get a new broom."

"Hn."

Hn. The Uchiha catchphrase, and the greatest way to end conversations known to man.

"Please enjoy your visit." I bowed again, then I went back to greet any other costumers.

The place was full of girls, aging eight to fourteen. The killing intent coming from them was tangible. Crap, the bane of my existence. Fangirls.

"Um... may I help you?"

"WERE IS ITACHI-KUN, YOU SKANK!" One of them screeched in a voice that would put most chalkboards to shame.

"He's taking a bath; that's what one typically does in a bath house, ne?"

Instantly, they swooned in unison, most likely fantasising about things that would make the most emotionally detached shinobi; blush and get the mother of all nosebleeds.

I sweatdropped, very slowly beginning to edge away from them. Unfortunately, one girl noticed.

"WAIT!"

"What?"

"... WHICH WAY IS HE!"

"Oh! Look at the time. Sorry, you'll have to look for him on your own, it's time for me to chase away perverts now. Ta-Ta!" I hightailed it, effectively avoiding the incoming stampede of hopeless fangirls. This was the first time I had to chase females from the male baths. It wasn't the last.

*Special No Jutsu! Kai!*

* * *

**It's finally over! I had to restart this chapter like five times before I got something I liked! BORING!  
... Review or I'll convince Mimi to eat your soul.**

**Mimi: Not without salt!**

**Me: FINE! YOU CAN HAVE YOU STUPID SALT!**

**Mimi: ^_^**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi... I'm sick. I feel like crap. And I don't own Naruto. DEPRESSING! **

* * *

There are a lot of things I hate in the world. Tomatoes, dirty laundry, _hobos_. But right now, in this world I don't really belong to, there is nothing I hate more than my own birthday.

I've been living every Naruto-geek's fantasy for _ten years._ On my fourteenth birthday, I cried.

Sure, my brother was annoying, my mom was always doing bills, and my dad was always working. _I still love them._ Sure my hometown was dull, and all around boring in every way. _I still miss it._

And I can never see my family, or my home again, all because I signed a stupid little piece of paper. Paper that was given to me by a random hobo.

When I get older, it's like I'm even farther away from my old life. Hence, my utter hatred of birthdays.

But, being... twenty three? Thirteen still? (I was always pretty confused about that) I can legally hire genin to be my pack-mules.

"Alright, I want you two that look like clones to scrub the floor, and the girl can tend to costumers." The three nodded like obedient little slaves, but I caught the twins giving each other a discreet high five. I scowled and turned to go.

"One more thing; if I hear that you little pervs have been peeking in the baths, _you'll be meeting the bottom of my foot. _Got it?"

"Y-yes ma'am!"

... It's kinda creepy how those twins talk in sync like that.

* * *

"Let's see, I've got all the supplies, and a new broom so I'm all set!" I cheerfully walked across the marketplace, completely ignoring the strange looks I was getting. What? Was it really all that weird for a teenager to walk through the streets of a ninja village while monologuing her actions?

... never mind.

At least I don't scream about "flames of youth" and exercising into the sunset. I'll never get rid of the mental scars from when _he_ visited the bathhouse...

I shivered at the gate of the bathhouse was now in view, so I began to speed up. When I arrived, I immediately wished I had a bottle of sake on me.

"WHAT IN THE NAME OF KAMI-SAMA DID YOU DO TO THIS PLACE!"

"Um... we were having a contest." One twin answered, his hair full of cobwebs. What the-

"It kinda got a bit; out of hand." Twin #2 picked a few scraps of wood shavings out of his hair.

I stared hopelessly at the wrecked entrance room. How'd they get burn marks on the _ceiling_?

Why were they using fire to clean a bathhouse anyway?

"Great, now I have to hire some... builder guy... and close down the bathhouse until it can be fixed! That may take months..." I dropped my grocery bag and fell to my knees, an aura of despair surrounding me in a cloud of blue and purple. That still weirds me out a bit...

"So... we aren't getting paid?" The girl asked me. She was covered head to toe in soapy water.

"Heck no. You can chalk this up as a mission failure, and I hope you can pay for this damage."

"Aw man!"

Okay, that was creepy before, but now all _three _of them are doing it!

* * *

My face was covered in sweat from the summer air.  
My shoes were melting into my feet.  
I had a sunburn on my arms and legs.

But, I would go on!

Brooms don't just buy themselves, you know.

I have learned that when you live in Konoha, you develop quirks. Not quirks like "I have a rock collection!" Really _weird_ quirks.

The Daimyo's wife loves squeezing the life out of cats. The guy in the weapons shop downtown loves throwing sharp, pointy objects at people. I love hitting people over the head with brooms.

Hey, when you've got a shtick, you stay with it.

And so, I dragged myself to the store in the middle of the day. During a heat-wave. In Fire country. With a tiny paper fan.

I _really_ wanted that broom.

When I wasn't at work, I was in the market. It's just my daily routine; for the past ten years. Wow. That's kinda pathetic...

"WHY IS IT SO HOT!" A child's voice screamed from the direction of the nearby academy training grounds.

I nearly tripped. Then, completely forgetting the crippling heat, I stormed over to the source of extreme annoyance. What I saw nearly stopped my heart. _Naruto._

He was laying on the grass, sweat covering his small frame. He was at the mercy of the weather.

"OI!" He looked up at me with tired eyes. "Kid, you're going to get heat stroke! What do you think you're doing?"

"My sensei told me there were going to be special classes here today! So I've been waiting here for two hours, believe it!"

... seriously?

"Kid, they closed down all of the schools. There's a heat wave today!"

"NANI!"

* * *

"So, your teacher played a trick on you?" I gulped down my water. "That's stupid."

"Yeah, people do this kind of stuff all the time! Believe it!" The blond not-yet-ninja happily sucked on the straw to his juice.

"Sucks for you."

After my lengthy explanation of what a heat stroke meant, I took him to a nearby cafe. Surprisingly, we weren't kicked out.

"Hey wait! I don't know your name, lady!"  
"Mimi. I run the bathhouse over by the market."  
"I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I'm gonna be Hokage one day, don't you forget it!"

Right.

"Naruto, huh?" I swallowed the last of my water. "So tell me; do you like ramen?"

"It's my favorite food! The best! Believe it!  
"Good. It would be a terrible act of irony if a kid named fishcake didn't like ramen."  
"Yeah! Ha Ha Ha!"

I'm honestly not sure if he's laughing if he thinks it's funny or just for the heck of it. The kid's just so _happy._

He's like your first glimpse of sunshine after years and years spent in a shadowy basement.

I quickly swore to myself never to speak to him again. Messing with the plot is a big no-no, right?

"Well kiddo, I better get going." Standing, I smoothed down my apron. "I've got brooms to buy, construction workers to yell at."

"Okay... bye, Mimi-nee-chan..." He turned to leave, and my stomach lurched.

I froze. _Nee-chan?_

Well, it might not mean anything. He calls Ayame nee-chan as well, and she's just... one of his most precious people. Crap.

I glanced at the pouting seven-year-old, who was just beginning to stand up. _He called me his sister..._

The title of "Big Sister" weighed heavily in my mind. _Darius._

He would be fourteen by now... or twenty? I didn't know. He was my little brother. My _baby_ brother... I missed him so much.

And now, here was a small boy, years younger than myself, calling me his big sister.

I almost glomped him then and there. Almost.

"Naruto." He spun around and stared at me with huge blue eyes. Crap. Self restraint Mimi, self restraint. "I'll see you really soon, kiddo. Maybe... I'll take you out for ramen or something."

My wallet will not be happy about this in the future, will it?

* * *

**YAAAAAY! I'm better now. Also, I WENT TO ORLANDO FOR BREAK! WOO! **

**Mimi: Did I ever tell you how much I hate you?**

**Me: ... every day.**

**REVIEW! Come one peoples! You _know _you want to...**


	5. Chapter 5

**Heeey. Were you wondering what happened to Darius? Well, it's your lucky day!**

**Darius: Shut up! I can't believe you sent my sister into another dimension!**

**Me(sweat drops): Haha, riiiight. Sorry about that, but my creative GENIUS can't be stifled. NEVER!**

**Darius: Sure... can I have her back now?**

**Me: Heck no, this is only chapter five! Also, I so totally do not own Naruto! Totally.**

* * *

I yawned, stretching out my arms as far as they would go. School is way more boring than what Micky Mouse described it when I was little! Well, littl_er_, but Mimi told me that it was just a matter of time before I finally hit my growth spurt, and she's _never _wrong. Never ever!

Walking up the path to his house, I noticed a few small differences. Was the porch always this big? Since when were there this many lawn gnomes?

... Since when did we even _have_lawn gnomes?

Checking the house over several times and learning that, yes, I was at the right place, and no, I hadn't gone crazy.

Just the same, I tore up the now huge front steps at top speed. I felt it, deep in my gut, that something horrible had happened. Meh. Mimi probably ate the last of the potato chips, or drank the last of the apple juice, or one of the other evil things big sisters are capable of.

"MOOOOOM!" I screamed as I dumped my bag in dad's nearby easy-chair. Ha.

"Darius, _please_ stop shouting. I'm right here."

I almost gave myself a whiplash, turning around as fast as I could and staring at my mom in total shock.

She wasn't doing bills. This, paired with the fact that she was drinking tea instead of coffee, instantly made me super-duper suspicious! Our mom _never _relaxes. Ever.

"Um... mom?"  
"Yes?"  
"Why do we have so many lawn gnomes?"

My mother chucked, which sent shivers tingling down my spine.

"Horrible, aren't they? You know how your father gets- always so focused on his wooden projects. Honestly."

Eh? Wooden projects? Dad never has time for anything fun, let alone making stupid lawn gnomes! Something was definitely up, and not just the out-of-characterness Mom was showing.

"Okay then... I'm going to go watch Naruto on my computer, see ya at dinner!"  
"No Naruto until you finish your homework, buster."

...Eh? Mom never worries about my homework! Is she possessed? Probably.

"PLEEEEEEEEEESE? Only one episode, I promise! C'mon!"

Mom rolled her eyes and smiled. "Fine. But only one, then straight to your schoolwork. Got it?"

"Yup!"

Climbing up the stairs to my room, that bad feeling in my stomach returned. There were no pictures of Mimi. Like, none at all! I didn't see any of her kindergarden projects either.

When I got to my room, the door was void of all of the signs I'd put up to keep my sister out. Well, not like they worked or anything, but still weird!

As I strolled into my room, I tripped over the thresh-hold (as usual) and crashed painfully onto the hard wooden floor. Huh? Where was the throw pillow Mimi gave me last Christmas?

Mimi did always tell me that I was the clumsiest boy ever to walk the planet...

I lay on the floor for a bit, looking around my bedroom. My eyes fell on the family photo I'd hung up next to my One Piece poster. There was dad in his blue suit, looking like he had an itch, mom in her matching dress, smiling at the camera, and me, sticking out my tongue and flashing a peace sign.

I froze. Mimi, who was supposed to be rolling her eyes at me me on the head for ruining the picture, wasn't there. The space she should've occupied was totally empty.

Sitting up, I continued staring at the picture in horror. _What was going on?_

I stood up and stumbled a few steps backwards, my knees suddenly shaky.

Shaking my head repeatedly, I darted across the hall. In Mimi's bedroom, time stopped.

There was no bed. No bookshelf, no desk, no sign at all of the girl who was supposed to live in the room. Just a few boxes in the corner, a broken chair, and a slip of paper sitting pitifully on the ground.

I fell to my knees, tear prickling my eyes an clouding my vision. Mimi did always tell me that I'm a crybaby...

Except, Mimi wasn't there anymore. It was like she didn't exist!

Shoulders shaking, more and more tears slipped down my cheeks. "Mimi... where are you?"

* * *

Sneezing, I blinked. "Huh. I guess someone's talking about me. Stupid gossiping old crones..."

Where was I you ask? Well, I was on my way to the Hokage tower. And this time, I actually had a semi-worthwhile mission to pay for instead of working fresh Genin to death.

When you go in, they give you a scroll to fill out. You circle the mission's rank, then you jot down details and how much you're willing to pay.

I was in need of some ninja person to protect me from bandits while I was in the Land of Hot Water for the annual bathhouse owner convention. There was absolutely no way I'd miss it.

When I finished, the lady behind the desk snatched it from my hands and looked it over. She then led me into a the little waiting room they have for mission clients that aren't of noble blood.

After like an hour, someone finally accepted my mission. Woo.

I was herded into the room where the Hokage gives out missions, and I quickly recognized the two chunin standing at attention in front of the desk.

"Mimi-san, this is Umino Iruka and Kimiwarui Mizuki. They will be protecting you on your trip." Stated the Hokage. How'd I get saddled with creepy traitor man? This is just great. Seriously.

"Um, hi, I guess. I am the owner of the Konoha bathhouse, so you better not be fans of," Here I snarled at the very thought of the hated words. "Icha-Icha."

Iruka instantly began to deny my not-so-subtle implications frantically, his face cherry red. His creepy counterpart just chuckled creepily, the creeper.

... I really don't like him, okay?

After we all left to prepare for the up-coming trip, I realized something. Bit by bit, I was getting more and more intertwined with the plot of the story. Slowly, I was working my way into the main cast of Naruto.

Well, fu- Ack! Fudge! I definently just said fudge, not a bad word at all, nope, not me!

* * *

**Darius: You suck.**

**Me: Lies! Oh decietful OC, why do you hurt me so?**

**Darius: I think I already made that clear.**

**Me(Sweatdrops): Heheh... review. _Please._**


	6. Chapter 6

**Hello... um... you. It's nice to see you again. I really liked that nice review you sent me last chapter. Really... oh, that's right. You _didn't_ review last chapter. No one did. Way to murder my poor teenage self-esteem, readers.**

**Mimi: Whiner.**

**Me: Blah! Shut it. You don't know what it's like; the HORROR of it all! I even did a special on your little brother, but what did my efforts get me? Nothing!**

**Mimi: Yes, I know you did a special on Darius. Thanks for turning him emo, I totally wanted that to happen. Seriously.**

**Me (sweatdrop): Hehe... I don't own Naruto... lets just get on with the chapter, shall we?**

* * *

I was walking down a boring little dirt road, with three brooms tied together at the handle resting on my shoulder. I carried my suitcase with my other hand. The ninja I'd hired (Scar-face and Mister Creepers) flanked me on either side, presumably looking for bandits or something.

Boooring.

Hiring ninja to escort you someplace was rarely exciting, really. Bandits are usually smart enough to stay far, far away if you had protection, and wild animal attacks were always few and far in between. If you get attacked by enemy nin, then your mission really has no business being a low C-rank in the first place.

Unless you were rich/lazy enough to use a wagon, the whole trip would be on foot. Unless you hired fresh genin, the chances of striking up conversation are quite slim. Unless you enjoy being in awkward situations, you must try not to speak.

Fun.

My worries of becoming apart of the dreaded main cast were temporarily squashed.

To Iruka and Mizuki, I was just another client. Someone who wanted protection on the way to some dumb convention. The real problem rested with Naruto: to him, I was Mimi-nee. The nice lady that saved him from the heat wave and bought him some apple juice afterwards.

Seriously, the kid was treating me like a saint.

That left a bad taste in my mouth; I knew it was hard for him growing up. Anyone watching the anime could see that. But experiencing it first hand? Nauseating. It seems that child services does not exist in Konoha.

"Mimi-san. Our destination is about twenty minutes away." Iruka informed me politely.

"Really? That's good." I smiled cheerfully. Or at least, I think it was cheerful, but I couldn't exactly see my own face, could I?

True to his word, we arrived about twenty minutes later. Yay.

* * *

"Joki-san!"  
"Ah, Mimi-san. How are you?"  
"I'm fine thanks. How is your wife doing?"  
"Oh, she is doing very well."

Smiling blithely, the old man and I continued our near endless stream of small talk. The two ninjas behind me were getting restless, but they stayed quiet.

"It's been nice catching up with you, Joki-san, but I suppose I should go look for Airi-san. She's hosting this convention, correct?"  
"Yes. I saw her awhile ago, she's just around the corner. Goodbye, Mimi-san."

Once Joki was out of sight, I scowled.

"I hate that guy. Remind me to ban him from my bathhouse."

Mizuki rolled his eyes at me (the weirdo), and Iruka looked distressed.

"What? But you were being so friendly a minute ago..."  
"You obviously don't understand bathhouse owner-ese. He's totally banned."  
"Right..."

* * *

After I had spoken to Airi, a somewhat stuck-up woman in her mid-forties, I found a park to laze about in until the official meeting started. I polished my brooms in the shade of a tree, sighing contentedly. Life was good...

Someone coughed.

Oh yeah. Ninjas. I hired them. Joy.

"Why are you guys still hanging around?" I asked, slightly miffed at the interruption of my me time.

"The mission required us to protect you on your way here and back. There wasn't anything assigned in between." Mizuki explained, looking miffed himself.

"So there wasn't. Well, I guess you guys can follow me around like the creepy stalkers you are. That _is_ what you do for a living, right?"

Iruka blushed furiously, sputtering something about 'it's not like that' and 'I would never'. Hmph. Denial~

"Mimi-san, please refrain from saying such things. He," Mizuki gestured at Iruka. "is very excitable."

"Blah blah blah. Shut up. I'm paying you."

* * *

"La la la, singing singing~!"  
"Mimi-san, where are you taking us?"  
"Hm? We're going to that tavern over there."

They both stared at me incredulously.

"What?"

Iruka let out a long sigh. "Why, for the love of Kami-sama, would you ever want to go there? Don't you have a meeting or something?"

"Well, duh. Don't you know what we do at these conventions?" I rolled my eyes as obnoxiously as I could. "It's three solid days of small talk, bragging, and bothering the good, hardworking people of society." We know how to party. Awesomely.

They both blinked dumbly.

"What were you expecting? We're bathhouse owners; we don't do much else, really." Well, we also chase perverts, but I think I've stressed that one enough for one day.

* * *

And so, after three days, I was escorted back to Konoha. Geez, who knew ninjas could be such wusses?

Actually, I do believe Mizuki holds some form of resentment toward me now. That may be troublesome in the future, but I really don't care too much.

Iruka probably finds me irresponsible and a bit off my rocker, which I totally disagree with. I am totally responsible! Pht. Who cares, anyways? If I'm lucky, I'll never speak to either of them again. Hopefully retaining my position as a minor character.

Lets face it; all the bad stuff happens to the main cast. I will live to at least age thirty if it kills me! Wait... huh. Whoops.

No matter. Me no go on main cast. End of story.

* * *

**Me: Ha! End of story? Says you!**

**Mimi: Can we go through a timeskip? Please? I want to get to action-ey stuff!**

**Me: Well... okay. Just stop cussing me out about your brother.**

**Mimi: Bah! Is it worth it? Is it worth it? ... Yup. definitely worth it. Deal.**

**Me: Awesome. You! Reader! Leave a review. DO IT! Do it _now_...**


	7. Chapter 7

**Heeey. Look who's updating something? ME. Awesome, right? ;D**

**Mimi: No. You took too long. Again. I pity your other OCs.  
Me: No need to be so harsh...  
Mimi: Yes. There is.  
Me: Where did I go wrong? 'sniffle' I don't own Naruto... **

* * *

"Why do we have to do these dumb D-Ranks!"  
"Hn."  
"Naruto baka! Stop bothering Sasuke-kun!"

Yay, my new pack mules are here~! Three cheers for child labor. Hurah!

"Ah, are you the ninja I hired?" I smiled pleasantly.

"Yes. Team seven, reporting for duty." My eye twitched when I saw the book in the jounin's hand. Pervert alert...

"Mimi-nee! I haven't seen you in forever!"  
"Hi, how are you doing shorty?"  
"Stop calling me that, Nee-san!"  
"Stop being short. Then we'll talk."

I ruffled his hair as he huffed and crossed his arms. Hehe.

"Hn. Have you two met before, dobe?"

I decided to save my eardrums from Naruto's shouting and answer for him.

"He's my lil' buddy~!"  
"I'm not little!"  
"You're littler than I am."

This discussion could have gone on a bit longer, but I was in a bit of a rush.

"Alrighty, while I'm gone, Naruto greets people, Duck-butt cleans the floor, and lone-female gets to patrol for perverts. Any questions, hired help?"

Sakura instantly began to glare at me. "Sasuke-kun's hair doesn't-"

"Yes. It does. Any actual questions?"  
"Why does Sasuke-kun have to clean up? It's not fair! He should be the greeter."  
"No. Greeters must be able to puke sparkles, act like they've just seen a double rainbow, and look like a baby cherub."  
"Sasuke-kun is cherubic!"  
"... no. Just no."

I turned around, facing the door. "Well, I'm going broom shopping. Tootles! Remember that you guys have to pay for any property damage."

With that wise piece of wonderful wisdom, I set off.

* * *

Blah... I miss being thirteen. Stuff kind-sorta-somewhat made sense back then. I guess.

Anyways, I'm physically twenty-two and hating it.

I gave up any chances of staying away from the main cast years ago. Naruto comes over for dinner every wednesday, and he's pretty much my only friend. That works well, since I'm apparently _his_ only friend.

Friendship with main character = FAILURE

It's safe to say that I'm no longer a mental thirteen year old...

Sixteen years in the Naruto world, and the actual series just started. Yay. (Wait... am I twenty-nine? Twenty-two? Seriously, what age am I supposed to be?)

My immense fascination with cleaning implements has not toned down over the years. In fact, you could say that my broom collection is bigger than ever, and I may or may not be mentally unstable.

Just remember, I like brooms. So ha, ha, ha ha ha.

* * *

I trooped valiantly down the street, never once losing sight of my goal.

"Must... go... check on business!"

My latest broom rested on my shoulder, driving fear into the hearts of many a man. Ha.

Actually, I wasn't really all that tired. I simply have a flare for the dramatics, just like any other self respecting Konoha citizen.

Nearing the bathhouse, I began to wonder what the little monsters had done to it while I was gone. Had Sasuke scratched the floors? Did Sakura let a pervert go unnoticed? Did Naruto annoy the customers? Probably the latter.

"I'm back!" I shouted happily, walking through the front entrance.

Peering inside, I was shocked to find... complete normalcy. No cobwebs, or wood splinters, or meat dragons.

"Are my eyes deceiving me? No messes? No angry fangirls?"

I was in absolute bliss. Then I happened to turn around

There was a large, gaping hole in the wall. How the heck did I miss that?

"Hehe... Hi, Mimi-nee. I promise, it's not as bad as it looks." A certain blond genin poked his head through the abomination. "I can patch it up real soon, okay?"

"..."

"But Sakura-chan accidentally broke one of your brooms."

Another head popped out.

"Hey! It wasn't my fault! I was too busy helping Sasuke-kun to see it, I didn't step on it on purpose!"

"..."

"And the people kept leaving when they saw what book sensei was reading."

Another head.

"They had poor taste."

"..."

"And there were some weird giggling sounds coming from the woman's baths. I think it's haunted!"

"..."

"And I'm not really sure where Sasuke-teme went."

... why me?

My nostrils flared, my face darkened, and a mysterious black aura surrounded me.

"So the emo kid is missing, then?"  
"Uh, yeah."  
"And my broom is broken?"  
"Yes."  
"And you somehow managed to ruin my wall?"  
"I already told you that!"

I clenched my fists. "You guys will pay for damages. You will buy me a replacement broom. And you BETTER not ask me to pay you."

* * *

After that, I had to yet again get my wall repaired... unfortunately, I didn't have enough money to hire a team of construction workers. I did, however, have enough to hire another genin team. Happy happy joy joy, happy happy joy.

"YOSH! Do not worry, we shall repair the wall in no time, Mimi-san!"

Did I mention that there was only one team available at the time? Well, there was. Can you guess which one? You've got three chances.

"Good, good." I muttered absently, cleaning my fingernails. "Be careful, I think a family of-"

The many shrieks of woodland animals rang throughout the bathhouse.

"Oh, you found them. Never mind."

There were a few more decidedly _human_ shrieks.

"Don't worry, Lee. It was clearly fate for you to be attacked by a rabid raccoon."

Way to go, Neji. That will totally cure the physical and mental scarring. Your kindness and sympathy toward your clearly injured teammate astound me, kid.

* * *

**HEEEEELP MEEEEEE!**

**Mimi: What is it now?  
Me: Well, you know how I planned to pair you up with Iruka?  
Mimi: Wait, _what_?  
Me: I don't want to anymore! I've got no idea what to do with your lovelife!  
Mimi: I feel awkward now... Okay, just ask the readers.  
Me: Le gasp! YOU IS A GENIUS~!**

**I'm **_**asking**_** (read as 'begging pitifully') for your help, loyal readers. TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I'm willing to pair her with pretty much anyone, not counting those who are too young, too old, or too ridiculous. I'll even take OCs at this point...**

**Name:  
Gender:  
Age:  
Home village (no other dimensional travelers allowed): **

**Occupation:  
Physical description:  
Personality:  
History:  
Misc: **


	8. Chapter 8

***tears up* WHHHHHHYYYYYY? WHY? WHY DOES NO ONE LIKE THIS STORY?**

**Really! It's only had like, three hits this month. Three! I knew I shouldn't have made Darius Emo...**

**Darius: I am not!  
****Mimi: Yes you are, little brother. Yes you are.**

**Know what? I won't even bother finishing the story, let alone this chapter. For those few people that actually read this thing, thanks. For those who didn't; you're mean, meanies.**

**World Warping Hobos is now done for. Here's the unfinished Eighth chapter if you care to read it.**

* * *

Lately, my life has been rather boring.

It's funny, really. I spend my days running around, taking care of my bathhouse, buying brooms, beating down on perverts. I am constantly busy because of my lack of employees, and the genin I hire usually end up causing property damage.

With no family and no real friends to speak of (within my age group) in the village I'm all alone.

My friendship with Naruto does help with the emptiness, but it doesn't change the fact that there's no way for me to return home to my family. To be honest, my memory is beginning to fail me; I hardly recall my life from before. It's like a dream; only half remembered but never truly forgotten.

Well, there is one thing I want to do before I'm old; grab myself a husband.

Seriously. The last romantic relationship I had was at age fourteen. It lasted half a week. And when you live in a ninja village like Konoha that's always at a risk of being attacked, you want to have a family before you lose the chance.

I have a _horrible _reputation among the men in the village. I'm a know pervert hater. They often fear for their lives whenever they see me.

And I _know _there are some unmarried guys around my age in this place, but I don't know how to catch any of their attention. At this rate I'll be an old maid like my predecessor and adopt some random kid off the street to run the bathhouse in my place when I die...

'_Why did I sign that stupid paper_?' I punched my pillow in a random bout of frustration. For whatever reason, all of the bad things about my life always seem to come up while I'm trying to sleep.

I rolled over in bed and stared out the window. The moon was high up in the sky, and stars twinkled all around it. At home, the stars were never this bright because of pollution. Air pollution, light pollution, probably some other type of pollution I don't know about. The view was nice.

Sighing, I rolled over once more and closed my eyes. Maybe my brain would shut up long enough for me to get a nap.

* * *

It had been a losing battle from the start.

That was my only thought as I dragged an unconscious guy away from the women's bath by the arms. I almost gave him another whack for the heck of it, but he was beginning to awaken.

"W-where am I?"  
"The middle of the street."

I dropped his arms, and he sat up, holding his head. For the fist time, I noticed the forehead protector. The symbol was definitely an indicator toward the guy being a ninja. Well, that officially makes me awesome in every way.

"You really shouldn't be peeping in my bathhouse, you know."

He looked up at me. Confusion flooded his young features. He couldn't be a day over thirteen, probably still a genin.

"You can't be a ninja, how did you catch me?"  
"With the help of my handy, dandy, steel enforced broom."  
"...What? Why do you have a steel enforced broom?"

To catch any perverts that dare enter my bathhouse.

"No reason. Why were you peeping?"  
"It was on a dare."  
"Uh-huh. I'm sure."

The ninja had the decency to blush before running away. Dang. I almost hoped he would poof away in a cloud of smoke instead. That trick is _really_ cool to watch. You know, it might be cooler if I had a friend to watch it with.

I turned to face the really quite large bathhouse. Maybe it's time to hire some employees... or get myself a cat. I like cats.

Nodding in agreement with myself, I walked back inside.

* * *

I stared at the pet chop window, where a litter of kittens tussled and rolled around and generally just did what kittens do. Though it had been my intention to buy one a few seconds ago, I had remembered a vital piece of information.

"Why did I come here?" I whined out loud. "I don't even like cats!"

One of them cocked it's fluffy little noggin at me. It's eyes were creeping me the heck out... oh well.


End file.
